On Inspiration and Procrastination

I'm the worst kind of writer.

In that, I know I'm a writer. I don't know how to do anything else (except make pretty good frappuccinos). I view my life some big long script, constantly embarrassing myself by mouthing rehearsal conversations with people I'm about to see or imaginary scenarios that will probably never happen. (Think l'espirit de l'escalier but lamer, and mostly in front of my bathroom mirror or in my car.) So I never doubt that this is what I am, not even on the days when I sit staring at a Microsoft Word window wondering where the hell I was going with any of this.

And those days are often.

I'm the worst kind of writer because I don't write.

Every famous author gives you the same advice. "Write, write now, write whether you know what to write or not." I open up all those click-bait articles on writing on an almost daily basis, hoping for some small nugget of wisdom about my current predicament - that even when I'm having the best day of my life, I can sit down in front of my laptop and nothing will come out. And every Buzzfeed-esque list tells me the same thing. "You're not a writer. You don't write every day. You don't write like it's a job. Clearly you don't want it enough."

Yes, I'm lazy. Sometimes I let my cell phone die on my computer desk because I don't feel like getting up and walking the five feet to get my charger. Sometimes I make Easy Mac instead of actually cooking pasta. But this isn't why I don't write every day.

I wish I could. I wouldn't keep a document open and at the forefront of my laptop windows if I didn't want to write it; what human being would actually enjoy the constant feeling of nagging panic and guilt if that comes with seeing a half-finished sentence in a half-finished scene in a shoddy second draft and thinking "you have no idea what you're doing?"

I know I don't.

But I am the worst kind of writer. I don't write every day, and often I like to pretend that this isn't what I'm trying to do with my life just because it's easier. And this is what makes me the worst kind of writer. Because when I finally subconsciously give up, when I finally decide "well maybe I'll just take a break and not worry about it for a few weeks," that's when I remember.

I woke up this morning and in the middle of getting ready for work, I realized what I needed to write. I am the worst because it's only when I give up, when I don't think about what I need to do, that I finally figure it out. 

Are you guys doing NaNo this year? I don't know if I want to. I've never finished it. Not even once. The closest I ever got was 38k words. And with November most likely being when I leave for Korea, I don't know if I'll be any luckier.

Oh well. I better get working while I still can.