I'm Bad at Titles for Important Posts.

I haven't really had the heart to post. I wasn't really sure how to pick everything back up after my last post, you know? "Hey guys, my dog died" felt kind of lame and a strange explanation for my absence. I accidentally stumbled across that silly Rainbow Bridge poem on Saturday and found myself bawling for a half hour while trying to put makeup on, that was an adventure in and of itself.

But I promise you, I am happy.

I guess in several regards, my life is wonderful. I have a stable job, cheap rent, a short commute. I live on my own working one job when most of my friends from home are working three or four to live in a city and have the kind of life I'm having. (I actually uttered "I can't handle partying this weekend" a few hours ago). I'm sharing this whole experience with amazing people and an even more amazing significant other.

When I travel, the world looks like this and I still put my book down in my lap to stare out the window like an idiot because even though I've passed by the same mountains and farmlands and rice paddies and sky a hundred times before it still wows me, it still makes me want to pick up a notebook and write something, anything, because that's what people like us do when we see nice things, I think.

I have been uncertain the past couple weeks, and the uncertainty led to silence, because I didn't want to admit that I felt like I had nowhere to go in my life. When you have a thousand different paths you want to take, you really have none. My contract here is for a year, and it is up in November. I wanted to go to grad school, I wanted to live some type of Bohemian cafe life. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to go to brunch in New Paltz. I want to be home for Christmas, I want to stand on the edge of the dateline for New Years. I wanted to work in editing, I wanted to work in publishing, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be eighteen again and redoing everything that went wrong because to be this uncertain has to mean I made a mistake, somewhere. I wonder what it was.

 I don't know if I'm making the right decision, and maybe I'm not really making a decision at all. Maybe what I'm doing is the complete opposite of making a decision and it's really just procrastinating the inevitable. Or maybe I'm learning that not everything has to be settled at once. Maybe one day I'll shake the feeling that I have to have an itinerary for every night out, every vacation, every year of my life.

Yesterday I re-signed my contract.

See you guys in 2015.